Joke #966

Before going to bed, the Boogeyman always checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar. The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically. "That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby. "Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."

Chuck Norris shaves with predator mandibles and uses alien blood for shaving cream.

Chuck Norris' phone never auto corrects him.

When Chuck Norris gets pulled over he read the officers his rights.

Chuck Norris once had a bet with the Hulk, the loser had to paint himself green.

Chuck Norris didn't sign the Declaration of Idependence because he wanted the British to think they had chance.

If Chuck Norris killed Kenny, he'd stay dead.

Chuck Norris once won a blinking contest against a statue!

Ozzy Osbourne once accidentally bit the head off a live bat - Chuck Norris once deliberately bit the head off a live pterodactyl.

A company once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but they soon realized it wouldn't work because Chuck Norris won't take shit from anyone.