Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
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Q: What did the cow say to the other cow?
A: Moo.
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Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet.
His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him.
When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand.
The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet.
Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
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A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
Why don't whales eat sushi very often?
Of course whales like sushi.
It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
Yo Momma is so fat…
That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milkshake.
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
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