What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?
Pre-tanned leather.
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What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really.
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here.
Hm.
How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
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How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Little Billy sits on his neighbour fence.
After a while he asks surprised:
Sir, how come your pig has only tree legs?
Because I used only one leg for the stock.
Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears.
He had real bears.
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