*Me when I turn 18* Parents: Do this. Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.
When Chuck Norris was a kid he didn't play with Lincoln Logs, he built real houses.
Q: Why couldn't the witch have children? A: Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
4-year-old: Why are you my dad? Me: Because I made you. 4: How? Me: ... 4: O.o Me: ... 4: O.O Me: With Legos.
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."