As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit. When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram. However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim. She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Willy: "Mom, are our neighbors very poor people? Mother: "I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?" Willy: "Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"
Santa Claus arrives to a kindergarten and gives each child a present. Everybody received really cool presents – racing car models, ship models and similar. But one kid got only a pair of socks. A kid comes to him and teases him with his received brand new Formula 1 model and laughs at this socks-kid: LHey, what a shitty present you have received, look at my super car" said the kid offensively. "So what, at least I don't have cancer…"
During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."
A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile.