The best jokes about life

Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
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has 76.70 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, life
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long… The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Oh! I really don’t want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
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has 76.70 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: life
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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has 76.59 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: age, life, old people, sex, viagra
I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?" Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
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has 76.59 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, life, sex
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
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has 76.49 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
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has 76.46 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: coding, computer, geek, IT, life
Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.
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has 76.35 % from 212 votes. More jokes about: life, music
Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?" Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: doctor, god, life
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: life, mean
Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes? It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...
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has 76.21 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: life
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