War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Life is like a box of chocolate.
It doesn't last long for fat people.
How many mexicans does it take to build...
Oh shit, They're done!
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful!
I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor.
Within hours, the two arrived.
He asked them to sit on either side of the bed.
The priest held their hands and kept quiet.
The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment.
Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?'
The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter.
Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.'
Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
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You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...
Man, and do you have life?
OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
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