A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city." "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?" 2nd Eskimo: "Alaska." 1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as. The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"
Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Women make it hard!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Life is like a box of chocolate. It doesn't last long for fat people.
By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead. And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''