The best jokes about life

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.
Vote: has 75.27 % from 27 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life, music
Justin Bieber puked on stage. That settles it, she's pregnant.
Vote: has 75.17 % from 53 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, life, music
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
Vote: has 75.17 % from 53 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, food, life, music
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Vote: has 75.08 % from 124 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, cat, drug, life, wine
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!" "That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life, work
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: business, Halloween, life
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: communication, death, lawyer, life
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, game, life
By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead. And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dad, death, Fathers day, life


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