Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”. “Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.
Pawn Stars: Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?" Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.