That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car. "That is amazing" the employee was fascinated. "That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year".
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors." Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says: Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...
The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch. With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there. "Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father. "But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits. "Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her. And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
Recently, I've been using the Bible for support. I've got a wobbly coffee table.
Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face. Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea. Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish." Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...