Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.". 
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable.
You in there with mass murderers and everybody.
"What you in here for?"
"I killed six people. What you in here for?"
"Comedy Central."
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
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Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
If you majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.
The only place you are now really qualified to get a job is in Ancient Greece.
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