Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable.
You in there with mass murderers and everybody.
"What you in here for?"
"I killed six people. What you in here for?"
"Comedy Central."
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
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Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!