Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.". 
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable.
You in there with mass murderers and everybody.
"What you in here for?"
"I killed six people. What you in here for?"
"Comedy Central."
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
Vote:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Déja.
Déja who?
Knock knock.
Vote:
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
Vote:
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
If you majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.
The only place you are now really qualified to get a job is in Ancient Greece.
Vote:
Jenna, Jessica and ariana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".