The best jokes about life

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Vote:
has 64.76 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: blonde, life, time
Programming is like sex One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Vote:
has 64.51 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: life, programmer, sex
Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
Vote:
has 64.28 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: life
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Vote:
has 64.28 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: life, travel
Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute." Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. "What are you doing?," the female egg asked. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
Vote:
has 64.28 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: food, life, time
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Vote:
has 64.23 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: animal, atheist, christian, god, life
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
Vote:
has 64.09 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: animal, god, life, racist
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
Vote:
has 64.05 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, god, life
Q: Why are gays so happy? A: Becuase the luck does not have the courage turning back to them.
Vote:
has 63.82 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: dirty, gay, life
Q: What's in the wardrobe? A: Narnia business.
Vote:
has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: business, life
<<<50515253
More jokes →
Page 50 of 81.