The best jokes about life

If you can't say something nice, say it in French.

Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?" Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour." Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."

Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!

What's the fastest thing in the world? A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve. What's the second fastest thing in the world? The Indians running after it.

When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.

How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change a thing.

We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.