Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
Life is a car wash … and I’m on a bicycle.
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it. When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says: "Ok, I"m going to my next client." To which the lady says: "NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..." The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus. After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees. 10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s: "Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" To which the worker replies: "I"m waiting for the bus!"
Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?" Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupidity...
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Without you I can't breath. I love you so much my nose.
If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!