Dentist (to the patient: "For God’s sake, stop making those noises and waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet." Patient: "Yes, I know. But u’re standing on my foot."
Los Angeles Homeless... Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."
T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons. Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.
The Highlander movie was actually based on Chuck Norris's life. There can be only one.
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Pres says "You think we’re stupid boy?" "We made copies of all the receipts!"
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly. The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him. "Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? A: She will "let it go let it go".