The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry Ive got you covered!
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?
Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches Long?
A: Because if it will 12 inches then it will a foot.
Vote:
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.
Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.
They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?"
Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Recently, I've been using the Bible for support.
I've got a wobbly coffee table.