Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children,
"Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep."
"Why to the waist", the children interested.
"Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you."
The mother returned and her children met her at the door,
"Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep."
"Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?"
"Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun.
"Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Vote:
Religion is a lot more like politics.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."
Mary's father has 5 daughters,
1. Nana
2. Nono
3. Nini
4. Nene
What is the fifth daughters name?
A spaceman landed on the moon.
To his surprise he saw ahead of him a little shop, with the name above it: "MORRIE COHEN, BESPOKE TAILORS."
Curious, he went into the shop.
A surprised looking man appeared behind the counter. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I’m a spaceman," replied the spaceman.
The man closed his eyes, and slapped his own cheek with one hand.
"Cutters, I asked for. And they send me spacemen!"