A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Vote:
Religion is a lot more like politics.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.
He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
I got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one.
Ok wait I got 66 problems.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
One day a black white and Asian got arrested but the cop said if u can say green pink and yellow in a sentence, then u won't go to jail.
The black didn't know what to say so he went to jail.
The white said "well white guys are pink....." but the cop said wrong order so he went to jail.
So the Asian guy said "well the phone go Green green so i pink up the phone and say yellow"
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
Lebron better than Jordan?
Ha! Yea right.
Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.
Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"
A man goes skydiving.
After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.
He tries everything but can't get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP.
The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?
The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?