‘I’ve found the secret of eternal youth. I lie about my age.’ Bob Hope How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? One.
You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.
A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’ Steven Wright
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?" Justin said, "If I were a boy."
Patient: "How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?" Doctor: "Fifty rupees." Patient: "Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?" Doctor: "Well, I will do it very slowly." Patient: "How much is for the operation?" Doctor: "Rupees on thousand." Patient: "But it was a serious one." Doctor: "Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days."
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."
Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom? Mom: Why? my child.. Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."
I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon. Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon. When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”