Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
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Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life.
When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
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Q: Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician?
A: Drummers.
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'
What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!
Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.
He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !