‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.
They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’
Steven Wright
Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all real at one time... then they met Chuck.
There can only be 1 living legend.
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Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell.
A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
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You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know.
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know.
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
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A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra.
Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
You know what I was thinking about right now?
What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.
Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
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