The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!" His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?