Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
I live like a medieval knight. Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.