Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
My husband added some spice to our marriage. He's left home.
Since I got married I haven’t looked at another woman. My wife put me off them.
Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married? A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"