If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts.
I'm thinking maybe homicide.
Vote:
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
"I’m sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
Vote:
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.
His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.
Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on.
All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week.
The situation works wonderfully for five years.
When the woman suddenly dies...
The first week after wasn't too bad.
The second week was geting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.
Vote:
I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night.
I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife.
Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx