I live like a medieval knight. Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk. The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?" The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.
Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’ Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’
A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife. Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA. He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to penetrate for intercourse and young bride stopped him. "What are you trying to do," she asked. Lalu explained the spousal sex. The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?