The best marriage jokes

I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’ At least that’s what I meant to say. What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
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Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
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Remember your wife is a romantic who still loves flowers and chocolates. Show her you remember as well by referring to them occasionally.
Vote: has 29.01 % from 17 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: chocolate, marriage, memory, romantic
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces? Nothing all the good ones are taken.
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Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?
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More jokes about: baby, IT, marriage
My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
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Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"  Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
Vote: has 27.94 % from 1640 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, marriage, music, women
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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