Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.