You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted". He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough." His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?" He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
Q: VWhy didn't the fixed dog cross the road? A: Because he didn't have the balls to do it.
Q: What is the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? A: The nut between the seat and the handlebars.
Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?" And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
Q: How are women and a hurricane alike? A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.
A man has came over to his wife in a request. She tells him to tie her to a bed and do whatever he wants. 3 hours later he is fucking hookers and watching football and porn with friend.
Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?" "Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."