Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dic-tater.
Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea. The second also asks for tea. "And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter. When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"
What is a man's idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. “Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked. “No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”
What's the difference between a man and an ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.