How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself. 
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try oral sex.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:None, the sockets go with the house.
Vote:
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.
Vote: