Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?" Woman: "No." Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Why are all jokes about women one-liners? So men can understand them.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:None, the sockets go with the house.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.