Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.
One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.
Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.
St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try oral sex.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
Yo moma is so fat, and so nasty, when she sat down on the toilet, grown men fall out of her screaming "We're free! We're free!"
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.