The best money jokes

What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary? An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
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has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: money
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas. His parents could only afford a yo.
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has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: money
We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
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has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: money
‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’ Bob Hope
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has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: money
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
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has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: money
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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has 29.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: health, IT, medical, money, time
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, money
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: money
How do you hide your money from a mexican?
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has 28.30 % from 123 votes. More jokes about: money, racist
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