New jokes

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

Received a call from a recruitment lady. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you." Me: "Yes I Know." *Awkward silence* She: "Asshole" Me: "I prefer the other one."

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I would make a Sodium joke But Na

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed. My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count." Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

My math teacher called me average... How mean!

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep...