I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split." Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".
I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black condom. Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?" "My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'." The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you." Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."
Young kids use a dating app on their phones. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!