Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks: Is that Carlsberg or Tuborg? There‘s a tap underneath it – why don‘t you taste it yourself?
Why do women need guys? Vibrators don’t usually pay for drinks.
Sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears.
Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex? They're called "Predickamints".
One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, “Your hair smells really nice today.” She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened. The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?” Furious, she snarls, “He’s a midget!”
What is the smallest hotel in the world? A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
The average speed of ejaculation is 45km/h, which is probably why I was arrested for doing it outside a school.
What are the small bumps around women’s nipples? It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.