The best sex jokes

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
Vote: has 65.80 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids, lawyer, sex
A man and woman are lying in bed after a disappointing bout of sex. ‘You’ve got a very small organ,’ says the woman. The man replies, ‘Well I didn’t know I’d be playing in the Albert Hall.’
Vote: has 65.68 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.
Vote: has 65.65 % from 121 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
Did I tell you the joke about my dick? Never mind its too long.
Vote: has 65.64 % from 323 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
There's some soldiers in Vietnam. And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes. When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back." So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle. But he's gone for a good half an hour, they're finally convinced that he's been murdered by Charlie when they hear the signal. So they lay down fire and he sprints out of the jungle and leaps back into the trench. So obviously they're pretty confused. They ask "what the hell took you so long man?" The guy says, "well i was just finishing up my business, when I met this beautiful Vietnamese girl, and we just started having sex right there. we did every position imaginable, missionary, doggy style, everything. It was great." One of his buddies asks "Well did you get any head?" He replies "There was no head."
Vote: has 65.63 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, military, sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office. But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a Ł100 if you let me have sex with you." But the girl said, "NO." Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for Ł200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Vote: has 65.61 % from 169 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
So God is getting a bit bored in heaven, and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?" Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun." God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't do so well with the cold, and frostbite was definitely not one of my better creations." The archangels says, "Alright, well you could always try Mercury. It's nice and warm, you could just take a bit of time to relax, get a nice tan." "Michael," God says, "do you see how white I am? I would burn to a crisp." Michael replies, "Alright, well then why don't you go to Earth?" "Fuck that," God says, "last time I went there I got some girl pregnant and I never heard the end of it."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: geography, god, heaven, kids, sex
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"
Vote: has 65.41 % from 81 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, sex, stupid, women
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Vote: has 65.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
Vote: has 65.09 % from 545 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: phone, sex, wife