Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Man, to woman, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’ Woman, ‘You might be. Now you come to mention it, your face does look familiar.’
What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches.
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him. ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘Do you speak English?’ ‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman. ‘How much?’ asks the man. The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’
There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you." But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Q: What does a gay order in a Chinese restaurant? A: Sum Yung Gi.
Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. Steve Martin