Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’
‘Feelling randy?’ asks the other.
‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my privates are too small." he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!
Vote:
Q: Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A: You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!
Programming is like sex
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Vote:
The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’
The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’
Man, to woman, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
Woman, ‘You might be.
Now you come to mention it, your face does look familiar.’
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
Are you an elevator?
Cause I wanna go down on you.