Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?
A: They're both very rare.
So I was at the local corner store one night and bought a pack of condoms.
I went up to pay for them and the store clerk said would you like a bag?
I said No, she's not that ugly.
Then the 3 ladies behind me started giggling and I said wait sir, you'd better make that 3 packs.
The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’
The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
Hey, you wanna do a 68?
You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.