In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.
‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’ Les Dawson
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mom.
A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite. ‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk. ‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’
How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’ ‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims. ‘I thought you rolled them on!’
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers? ‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’
A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have sex. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit.’