Peter approaches the gates of Heaven. "Knock knock," says Peter. Miraculously, someone answers him. "Who's there," a voice in the distance asked. "God," says Peter. "God who," asked the voice? "GOD DAMMIT open these gates! I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"
Q. How can you tell a head nurse? A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
Two sperm are in the body looking for the egg when one of them starts to wonder why it is taking so long. He asks the other sperm, "aren't we near the uterus yet?" "No," replied the other sperm, "we haven't even gotten to the esophagus."
An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’ The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’ ‘It is,’ agrees the old man. ‘That’s why I want it lower.’
Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.
‘I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful experience. Between five it’s fantastic!’ Woody Allen
Which is the most confusing day in America? Father's day! 80% don't know whom to wish. Rest 20% are scared someone will come and wish them.
‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns