There's something actionable in your pants.
A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’ ‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims. ‘I thought you rolled them on!’
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers? ‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’
A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have sex. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit.’
Q: Why do black women lose their hair at an early age? A: From all of the hair pulling during rape.
Why can’t gypsies have babies? Because their husbands have crystal balls.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.