How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’
Rodney Dangerfield
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
There is nothing wrong with sex on TV – as long as you don’t fall off.
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
Two men were talking:
First : "Can U put the word 'penis' in a sentence?"
Second: "Yo mama's pussy."
Yo momma's clitoris is as long as my dick.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself....
Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.