Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Chuck Norris invented 1080p so people could see his beard is made of razor wire.
Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it.
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire? Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza: Customer: "Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, it's Just Bread" Domino's: "We're sorry to hear about this!" Customer (minutes later): "Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/"
"I spent the whole evening knotsurfing!" "Don't you mean netsurfing?" "No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!"
Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
Your momma so ugly her face is used as an x ray in mortal kombat X.
Yo mama so stupid that when she turned on airplane mode... She thought she could fly.