The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Yo momma is so fat when she walked by the TV i missed 3 episodes!
My iPhone fell from the 20th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone: Me: "Siri, call my wife." Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts." Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife." Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife." Me: "Call my wife." Siri: "Which wife?"
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked, she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.
I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!