Yo momma is so fat when she walked by the TV i missed 3 episodes!
Vote:
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights.
I showed her our top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked, she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in.
I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box.
But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
Vote:
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"
Vote:
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."
What am I...? A microwave?
Vote:
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!
Vote:
With just two toothpicks, a lightbulb, and his RoundHouse Kick, Chuck Norris can override the Pentagon's computer system.
Vote:
Why use Linux: No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Vote:
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Vote:
"Siri, why am I still single?"
Siri activates front camera.
Vote: