Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop. To the manager's surprise, the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself. The manager replied in astonishment, does your boss know that you discourage business that way? "Yes", replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleaning printers if the owner tries to do it himself first.
Yo momma is so fat when she walked by the TV i missed 3 episodes!
Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses? A: Because they don't C#.
Why use Linux: No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?
My iPhone fell from the 20th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.
"Siri, why am I still single?" Siri activates front camera.
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone: Me: "Siri, call my wife." Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts." Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife." Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife." Me: "Call my wife." Siri: "Which wife?"