The best vulgar jokes

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
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has 61.59 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: food, husband, ugly, vulgar, wife
Teacher: "What does a duck say?" Jenny: "Quack Quack" Teacher: "What does a cow say?" Madison: "Moo" Teacher: "What does a pig say?" Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"
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has 61.35 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: animal, communication, kids, little Johnny, vulgar
Yo mama so short when she smokes weed, she cant even get high.
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has 61.10 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: insulting, vulgar, weed, Yo mama
NOTE: This joke is only for those who recently had a brain transplant. DO NOT read ahead unless you don't mind being offended. You're still reading this, aren't you, asshole?
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has 60.85 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: insulting, stupid, vulgar
Q: What is the difference between a dogs ass and liberals? A: Nancy Pelosi won't kiss a dogs ass!
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has 60.76 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: democrat, dog, political, vulgar
Infinity mathematicians came to bar. First one ordered 1 glass of beer, second a half, third a quarter... The barman interrupted them: "Assholes, here are 2 beers!"
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has 60.76 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: bar, beer, math, nerd, vulgar
Smoke a smoke Not a butt Fuck a virgin Not a slut.
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has 60.01 % from 125 votes. More jokes about: poems, sex, vulgar, weed
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
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has 59.63 % from 121 votes. More jokes about: bird, communication, dirty, parrot, vulgar
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering a minor.
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has 59.51 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: music, prison, teacher, vulgar
Yo mama so fat people used her as a tramp.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: fat, insulting, vulgar, Yo mama
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