They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die." So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?" The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting." So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing." The German replied, "Yeah that will not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time." "Yeah, that will be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before." The German replies, "yeah" The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the assault on Russia. Finally, they decide to ask the French: "When is it best to invade Russia?" The French answered: "We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure." Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans: "When is it best to invade Russia?" The Germans answer: "We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..." What to do? Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea. So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?" The Chinese replies: "Right now!" Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic... Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.
During the Iraq war, a Lieutenant asked the soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle, "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
In World War 2 Chuck Norris Pointed his Fingers at an enemy zero and said BANG, The plane burst into flames and crashed.
Chuck Norris flew boats in the Vietnam War.
How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.
The war with Japan would have ended sooner, but the allies decided that dropping Chuck Norris on Hiroshima would be a crime against humanity.
Chuk Norris was only twice angry, and those times are known as WWI and WWII.