*Girl is crying*
Dad: Why you crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! why did you go kill him!
Dad: I didn't
Girl: Where did you go?
Dad: To get you icecream :D
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?!
Dad: So I could get it for free!
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE.
You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK.
You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE.
You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?
You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
Q: How do you wake up Lady gaga?
A: Poke her face.
Q: What is height of Honesty?
A: A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.