Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Chuck Norris can alphabetize m&m's
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
Harry is better at sex than anyone he know. Now all he needs is a partner.
Q: What is black white and rolls around in the sand? A: A black man and a segal fighting over a carp.
The vicar never entertained lewd thoughts – they always entertained him.
What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.