Yo momma is so fat, that when NASA put her on the moon, her breasts were the only things bouncing... just like on earth.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
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One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio.
They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''
So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.
The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.
The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''
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Chuck Norris' favorite game is winning.
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When Chuck Norris finds fools' gold it automatically turns into real gold.
Chuck Norris is nobody's fool.
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"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
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Chuck Norris to Major Tom - Stay there.
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I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body?
My dick.
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