A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys.
He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost.
A policeman asks what he’s doing.
"I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk.
"Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop.
"Because,” says the drunk, "that’s where the light is.”
There were once 3 blondes stranded on a deserted island, and could not think of a way to get off it.
One of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp.
Dusting it off, the genie came out.
"I will grant you each a wish," he said.
"Why not," thought the blondes.
"It's worth a try."
"I want to be the world's best swimmer," one said, "so I can swim off of the island".
She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.
"I want to be a bird," one said, and flew away immediately.
The third and last blonde thought for a while.
"I want to be a man."
She was instantly transformed into a man, and she walked over the bridge to the mainland.
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad.
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Vote:
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Don’t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Your momma so fat...
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Momma"