Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Don’t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Your momma so fat...
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Momma"
What do you call a smart blonde?
There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie "Twister".
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.
A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!"
The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady."
The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"
A lot of people are desperate today.
A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Stick 'em up!"
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you
have it, you don't know what to do with it.