A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear.
They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Vote:
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Don’t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Your momma so fat...
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Momma"
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie "Twister".
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.