Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.
Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy needs a Sherpa to help get him on top.
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
Yo momma’s so fat, her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go on holiday to a tropical island. The brunette takes a beach umbrella, the redhead takes a crate of suntan oil, and the blonde takes a car door. ‘What are you doing with a car door?’ asks the redhead. The blonde replies, ‘If it gets too hot, we can roll the window down.’
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, she's going to be in trouble when the baboon wants its ass back.