A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Vote:
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Don’t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Your momma so fat...
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Momma"
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear.
They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
What do you call a smart blonde?
There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie "Twister".