Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.
What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"? A cow walking backwards.
One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church. The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.'' So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart. The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis. The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''
What do you call a black pilot flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
When Chuck Norris finds fools' gold it automatically turns into real gold. Chuck Norris is nobody's fool.
Why did the duck get arrested? because he was selling quack.
Chuck Norris to Major Tom - Stay there.
Q: Where do pirates buy their parrot food? A: Petsmarrrrrrrrt!
I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.