Best jokes ever

We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.
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Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
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‘Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.’ Jay Leno
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The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander. "I certainly did." "And?" "And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
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Your momma's so fat the only time she sees "90210" is when she's on a scale.
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What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
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A mink in the wardrobe often leads to a wolf at the door.
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Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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More jokes about: age, animal
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
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More jokes about: alcohol
Why is Cinderella such a bad football player? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.
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More jokes about: sport