Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.
Why do lions always eat raw meat? "Because they don't know how to cook."
Yo momma’s so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.
And these kids do not deserve a present from me, because they have not been eating well this year, - said Santa Claus, flying over the starving kids in Sudan.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people? You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”
A mother picked her son up from school and began to ask him about his day. “How do you like your new teacher,” she asked. “I don’t. She told me to sit in the front of the class for the present. But then she didn’t end up by giving me one!”
The soldier serving in Iraq was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Chuck Norris stem cells can reproduce missing limbs.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"