Best jokes ever

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
Vote: has 41.83 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, food, husband, old people
Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the olympics.
Vote: has 41.83 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, sport
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, military
Q: What is height of Suicide? A: A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Only nowadays there appeared a possibility to realize yourselfe: sell your liver, kidneis, skeleton...
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!! Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, sex, sport
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the basement window.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: insulting, stupid, Yo mama