I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
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I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’
There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah. ‘Hello,’ I thought. ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.