A sargeant bawled out a rookie.
"Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?"
"Yep," the rookie answered.
"I think he must have left by one of the entrances!
What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?
A fifty-dollar bill.
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday.
‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle.
‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’
Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’
A young man wants to be left something in his aunt’s will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk.
When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.
What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the Lottery.
I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’
He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
They say about money that you can’t take it with you.
I can’t even afford to go.
Two elderly gin-soaked colonels are sitting at the bar of their club.
‘Lend me a tenner for a month, old boy,’ says one.
‘What does a month-old boy want a tenner for?’ asks the other.