Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall. How many rooms has it got?’
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.
On the street strolls a chick dressed with fur from head to toes. Near hear another chick stops and says to hear: Do you imagine how many animals they had to kill for this coat? But do you know with how many animals I had to sleep with for it?
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.
What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep? A wooly jumper.
‘Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.’
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"