What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men? A: Even the small ones give satisfaction.
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. S: And what cans will you shoot at? J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!